15 October 2013
Good Evening. It is October the 16th 2020 and this is the eight o'clock news. This programme was pre-recorded and has received the approval of the Ministry of Moral Values and Censorship.
We begin tonight's newscast with a dramatic shooting on the Super Highway Link Road. Police gunned down five men in their car when they were stopped at a routine road block. Our roving reporter was granted an interview with the Chief of Police.
"Chief of Police may we respectfully and humbly ask, what happened in the lead up to the shootout"?
"Yes you may. At approximately 5.45 pm our officers saw a car approach the roadblock. The five men in the car looked like gangsters so we shot them".
"We had evidence that they were gangsters".
"Thank you again Chief of Police. We are fortunate to be protected by you. Now back to the studio".
Next on the news; the Director General of the Department of Governmental Logistics left the court a happy man today as he was acquitted of all charges of corruption. Viewers might remember that in the year 2018 it was exposed by the Auditor General that the Department of Governmental Logistics had purchased three airplanes for the use of the Prime Minister and her entourage.
The cost of the aeroplanes was fifteen million US Dollars each. Upon delivery it was discovered that the planes did not have any engines. It was uncovered that engines will cost a further two hundred million US dollars per plane, with one hundred million being the commission of the agent that brought the buyer and seller together.
The Department paid this sum and the planes were delivered. Unfortunately, the engines were of the wrong specifications and although the planes can move along the runway, they are not able to take off.
During the case the Director General's legal representative invoked the Impunity Act 2015, in particular section twenty, also known as the stupidity clause. According to this clause, any element of stupidity in a government officer will excuse him or her from any accusation of corruption.
The court took three and a half minutes to come to judgment holding that section twenty applied and the Director General was free to go.
When asked for a comment, the Director General had this to say: "I am very, very, very, very, joy. Justice has been thrown to me. The court said I am stupid and it is very, very, very, very, true that I am stupid.”
Now it is time for the weather report. The haze will be of moderate levels tomorrow with the Air Pollution Index reaching only two hundred and seventy. It looks like tomorrow will be a good day for a picnic folks.
Finally we have received the latest list of banned words from the Ministry of Sensitivity. Starting from October the 20th the following words can't be used: dog, pig, swine, puppy, boar and ham. It has been deemed by the Ministry of Sensitivities that these words are offensive and will harm the sensitivity of people.
Anyone caught speaking, writing or reading these words will face imprisonment up to three years and a fine of up to eighty per cent of their property.
And that has been the news for today, the 16th of October 2020. Be proud of our country for we have been declared amongst the top ten percentile of the International List of the Best Failed States.
Please remember to sing the national anthem before going to bed. Good night.