Happy New Year! (Spiked article)

Happy 2028 everybody!

 

How lucky we are to be living in Malaysia in this day and age. So many years of being governed by the same people that we simply can’t imagine how life will be without them.

 

And what good leaders they are. This year we have been promised that the GST will only be 45% and not the 50% that we thought. How lucky we are to have such a kind and loving government.

 

So much to look forward to as well. The high speed rail link to Singapore is finally ready. So what if there are so few of us with enough money to afford it that they are only planning one trip a week. It is still a great achievement which proves that Malaysia is a real power house; not just in the region but the world!

 

On a personal level, my life in the university can be no better. For ten years now I have been prevented from saying anything at all. So much so that there is no need to do any research and publication. Furthermore my classes last at the most ten minutes. Two minutes to say good morning and to sing the national anthem and eight minutes to take attendance.

 

Socrates said that wisdom is knowing that you know nothing. In which case my students must be the wisest people on earth. This just goes to show that Malaysia is the best nation for education in the whole wide world.

 

And isn’t it great not to have any more elections? Ever since the entire nation has been declared a security area we have done away with all that messy democracy business. Martial law is just awesome. All those soldiers and police wondering around armed to the teeth just makes me feel so much safer.

 

I also love the fact that we have no more newspapers, books, and magazines. Honestly, when I think of the past when we had so many different ideas and thoughts to contend with; life was just so confusing. It really was a drag to have to think about things and come up with my own conclusions. It is so much easier now days when all we have to do is to tune in to the one channel at 9pm every night and we are just told what to think.

 

It is likewise wonderful that we don’t have to wish each other every time there is a cultural or religious festival. So much time saved. And money as well since I don’t have to spend on greeting cards and the like. In fact I actually don’t know what religious and cultural celebrations there are. I only know my own. Which is fantastic because then I know for sure that my faith is strong.

 

Anyway, I better submit this article to the Ministry of Sensitivities now. Those guys do such an amazing job making sure that their sensitivities are not offended. I really don’t know where they get the strength.

 

So, until next time my friends: Unity in Subservience! Long live Malaysia!